All Wrapped up in Dinosaurs.

Last night I sat and wrapped some of S's birthday presents; A dinosaur book,  a dinosaur toy, a marble run, a slinky, rocket balloons, dinosaur Russian dolls, a liquid timer, a flashing foam baton, a gigglestick, a stretchy key chain, a dinosaur leapster game and a foaming dinosaur egg. All wrapped up in dinosaur wrapping paper. Once all the paper was gone I sat back and looked at the pile of presents in front of me and started to cry.

Why was I crying? For a few moments I am not sure I knew why. Then lots of unwanted thoughts came into my mind; 'These are not real toys!...Should I have got her all this dinosaur stuff?...Why am I wrapping it in dinosaur wrap? She's not a boy. ...This is not what I imagined I'd be buying my 5 year old daughter. ... What do normal 5 year old girls even play with or want for their birthday?'
It doesn't matter though does it? S loves dinosaurs and S doesn't enjoy 'real toys'. My daughter is a very unique little girl and I am proud she doesn't conform to what everyone else feels is 'normal.' I think the roller-coaster that is realising your child is on the spectrum has taken a new turn.

I've ridden the up of realising someone else feels my daughters behaviour is not my bad parenting. The down of others judging her, the up of maybe finding an answer that seems to fit, that the more I read made more sense. The down of long waits the up of getting appointment that's going to give me an answer then I soared down when that appointment didn't give us the answers, and left us feeling so confused and lost. I started to climb again as I found my strength to fight for the diagnosis she needs, to get a second opinion with someone who seems to be asking the right questions, who doesn't belittle my opinion on my daughter. Finally S's school are saying what they have been denying for months. You reach the top though, and you have to come back down. 
Suddenly seeing boxes ticked that say my daughter is 'a burden' on her teacher and classroom, that her behaviour effects her relationship with her peers and that the school feel they have run out of effective strategies. I know all these things I know she has 'difficulty sharing' and makes 'inappropriate verbal and physical contact.' with other children and can be 'very rude when reprimanded for behaviour.' To finally see all these things written down alongside boxes ticked that say she is 'Angry and resentful' and 'unhappy, sad or depressed' is a hard reality to have to face. Maybe a small part of me was still hoping I was wrong and she could be 'fixed'. Now however I can't deny that her behaviour screams ASD. 
On top of all of this S is now on her summer holidays and her behaviour is becoming really hard to handle she is stimming in ways I haven't seen in a long time (not that I mind stimming it looks like great fun) she is lashing out at her sister, hitting and throwing things at me and lashing out verbally. I know that it is just in the moment and that she is trying to express her anger but to hear your, almost 5 year old, daughter tell you she hates you and doesn't want to be in this family and she wants to kill you countless times through the day. Then to see your other child be hurt and your own self attacked is hard going. You have to bite your tongue and learn to not get angry and realise she is reacting to sensations, thoughts and feelings you may never fully understand. 

Being a parent is hard work, especially when your child has additional needs. I will continue to stay strong for her, to try to put all the pieces together to make sense of my daughter so I can embrace her quirks and all. That is what mum's do. So I'll wipe away my tears, love her differences, even wrap them in dinosaur paper.