Whirling Thoughts

Last night I had a panic attack. As I started to loose control I decided to quickly type how I was feeling before I was overcome, what follows is likely to be far from grammatically perfect but I thought it would be interesting to read back later.

Today I have been processing the end of a friendship.

It was a very close friendship but I was betrayed in the worst possible way and then had my aspergers diagnosis attacked. I have been trying to work out how to end it for 3 months but finally did about 10 days ago.

Today reading Pretending to be Normal by Liane Holliday I read a chapter about the difficulties aspies face making and maintaining close friendships and it set me off. I have been swinging between fighting tears and numbness all day.

Now sat here at almost 1 AM rocking and twisting my hands, refreshing my facebook feed over and over. My head feel like when you stir liquid and stop and it continues to whoosh around and my chest feels tight. This means I am likely to end up having a panic attack if i try to sleep. Or I will shutdown. My vision keeps blurring and now my stomach hurts. My face is itching and I can feel blood rushing to my cheeks, similar feeling I get after a few alcoholic drinks but I haven't been drinking.

I hate this. I wish months ago I could have let go of that friendship. I wish I wasn't so scared of confronting those who I care about and feel loyalty to. I wish that when faced with a hurtful truth I didn't have to try to understand others appalling actions. I find it almost impossible to believe someone I adore could be so cold. I also can't understand how someone could break such awful moral codes especially because I myself never would. How could someone possibly betray someone as deeply as I have been. And then attack them when they back away? People are so confusing and trying to understand them hurts my head and my heart. I wish people could just be as loyal to me as I am to them. Is that really so much to ask?

Shortly after that my laptop battery died so I decided to try to sleep. I turned the light off and held my favourite soft toy close twisting it's 'hair' between my fingers. I remember feeling adrenaline rush through my body forcing me to sit up in bed and sit cross-legged rocking. The last thing I remember is desperately trying to breathe through the rushing thoughts and trying desperately to cling to something positive, trying not to be afraid of the dark and to stay laying down I remember I was loosing the battle. 

A few hours later I woke up feeling disorientated. I was almost sat up with my quilt bunched up behind me and my legs crossed under me. I was facing my window with the curtains open. I do not remember turning myself into this position nor do I remember opening the curtains. Today my head feels very confused and almost like I cannot focus on my thoughts. I know this is not over. When I feel this way I could shutdown. When I do I feel emotionless for a day or so and just about manage to get the vital tasks done (feeding the kids etc), I will not take in anything I read or watch on the TV and will feel almost like I am in a huge bubble. Either that or I will have a series of night time panic attacks. 

Whatever happens over the next few days I know that this will not be the last time I have to process what has happened. My mind seems incapable of fully processing events where I cannot ever get full closure because I can never fully understand the actions or thoughts of others. I will relive these thoughts time and time again luckily each time the processing will be less traumatic until I finally stop hurting which can take a long time. Moving on is so difficult when  you have an over active brain.